Caregiving Alone Is Dangerous: The Biggest Lesson in Gene Hackman’s Death According to a Portland, Oregon Estate Lawyer

You may have heard the news that actor Gene Hackman and his wife Betsy Arakawa recently died within days of one another at the ages of 95 and 65. Their tragic deaths highlighted something I see a lot as a Portland, Oregon estate lawyer: many people are putting themselves and their loved ones in danger by caregiving for an incapacitated loved one alone.

Hackman was in the advanced stages of Alzheimer’s, a disease that causes nerve cell death in the brain, shrinking it dramatically over time and reducing its functions. In the early stages of Alzheimer’s, patients experience mild symptoms of memory loss, and as the disease progresses, they may experience severe memory loss, confusion, the inability to communicate, and the inability to move unassisted. They need 24/7 care.

Arakawa was Hackman’s 24-hour caregiver. She reportedly died on February 11th—a week before Hackman did—of a virus that mimics COVID or flu symptoms. Hackman is believed to have died on February 18th, according to his pacemaker data. He died of heart disease, exacerbated by late-stage Alzheimer’s, and he had not eaten in several days. One of the couple’s dogs was also found dead in its crate. Two other uncrated dogs survived. The bodies were found by a maintenance worker on February 26th—a week after Hackman died and two weeks after Arakawa died.

The likely—and all too common—scenario is that as Hackman’s illness progressed, the couple became isolated from their families, friends, and community, possibly even declining offers of help or requests to come by the house, due to overwhelm and shame. With no one regularly checking in on them, Hackman was completely dependent on Arakawa for all his needs. When she died, he was unable to feed himself and otherwise care for himself or their dogs. If there were even one other person that came by the home once per week, Hackman and the dog would certainly be alive, and perhaps Arakawa would be as well. Arakawa was probably exhausted from caregiving and very likely never considered she would pass before Hackman did, given their ages and his diagnosis.

The magnitude of caregiving creeps up on you if you don’t plan ahead of time to get support, and you suddenly find yourself doing it around the clock with no support and no time to find any. I see it all the time as a Portland, Oregon estate lawyer.

I hope this situation serves as a wakeup call to caregivers and anyone thinking about end-of-life planning. It is dangerous to take on caregiving alone.

Caregiving without support is dangerous for the caregiver’s health.

Caregiving without support is dangerous for the incapacitated person’s health.

So What Should You Do Instead?

1. Build your care team early.

This might mean hiring in-home help, tapping into your support network, or exploring adult daycare programs. Yes, those things cost money—but so does a medical emergency or losing your own ability to work due to caregiver-related burnout. Involve your family members and close friends. Join a support group for caregivers. Learn about resources that may be available to you.

2. Talk to a Portland, Oregon estate planning and elder law attorney before the crisis hits.

Make sure you have the legal authority to apply your loved one for benefits, direct their care, and manage their assets. We can help you set up a trust, powers of attorney, create a long-term care plan, and figure out how to pay for help without burning through everything you own. There are legal tools out there—Medicaid planning, VA benefits, trusts—but they work best when we plan ahead. As a Marine Corps veteran who served during wartime, Hackman was very likely eligible for assistance through the VA to have caregivers come to the home throughout the week to give Arakawa a break and help with bathing and household chores.

3. Get real about long-term care.

Denial is not a plan. Telling your loved ones to push you off a cliff is not a strategy. Love will not help a 5-foot-tall, 120-pound woman lift a 6-foot-tall, 200-pound man out of a wheelchair. Talk to your loved ones about what they would want and how to get there with support. Explore the avenues that exist before it gets to a crisis state. You may feel like you are handling things well now, but when it gets to a 24/7 situation, you will be so overwhelmed, you won’t know where to start with getting help.

4. Ask for help. No gold stars for martyrdom.

You are not failing your loved one by asking for help—you’re ensuring that you can actually be there for them in a sustainable, loving way. That’s the goal, right?

Bottom Line: You Deserve Support, Too

We all want to do right by the people we love. But caregiving without backup can turn into a one-way ticket to exhaustion—or worse. Let Gene Hackman's final chapter be a reminder: even the strongest among us need a team. We were never meant to do this alone.

You deserve help. You deserve rest. You deserve to be able to enjoy your life.

You do not have to break yourself to care for your loved one. You and they are better off when you are strong, healthy, rested, happy, and supported.

If you're not sure where to start, let's talk. I help families every day who are trying to do the right thing without losing themselves in the process.

If you want to get started on your estate plan, read about our estate planning services and schedule an appointment.

To your family's health + happiness.

~Candice N. Aiston